


Thirty-Nine Rules

by KittenKin



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 17:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17084831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittenKin/pseuds/KittenKin
Summary: Based on this tumblr post by purpleplusher:what if after sherlock had bared the whole lifestory of john and asked him to move in with him, instead of being impressed, john actually gets offended af and lashes out on sherlock in full force. like how dare you treat an ex military doctor like that you arrogant sod. but later goes home and finds out that mr. perfect-cheekbones is actually a bloody genius detective which thrills him a bit. so the next day he goes to meet sherlock again who is mad at him too for the recent event but is secretly intrigued with this fine looking army doctor. hence they agree to live together at 221b with a set of thirty nine ground rules to stay out of each other’s business, each of them getting difficult to manage everytime the other breathes around their space like damnenemies to lovers trope at its best.





	Thirty-Nine Rules

1\. Sherlock cannot deduce John unless John asks or gives permission. (Modification: Sherlock can deduce all he wants; just don't deduce John aloud.) (Clarification: John snapping “what?!” if Sherlock stares too long apparently does not qualify as asking to be deduced.)

2\. Sherlock is allowed to play his violin whenever he wishes. ~~(Modification: PLAY, not torture, Sherlock.~~ ) Never mind. Make whatever noise you need to. (Addendum: On the VIOLIN, you little shit!)  


3\. Sherlock’s experiments are not to be touched. (There were maggots, Sherlock!) (They were part of the experiment!)  


4\. Sherlock’s experiments are ~~not to be spread out all over the god damned flat~~ to be contained to his half of the kitchen, the ( **SURFACE OF THE** , fuck's sake Sherlock) coffee table, and his bedroom.

5\. John’s gun is not to be touched by anyone other than John. (Modification: except in the case of life-saving need.) (Clarification: definition of “touch” to include but not limited to moving by means of another object, grasping while wearing oven mitts, directing another party to touch it, just fucking leave it alone, Sherlock!) (Addendum: Boredom is not life-threatening, Sherlock.) (Addendum: Accuracy of “life-saving need” to be judged by **John**.)

6\. If Sherlock fails to clean up after his experiments are concluded, he must also take on the washing-up after John cooks for ~~one week.~~ ~~seven days, not necessarily consecutive if there is a case on~~. the next seven instances that John cooks. (There, let’s see you weasel out of that!)  


7\. John's clothing items are off-limits when it comes to Sherlock's experiments. (But the science, John!) (NO EXCEPTIONS, SHERLOCK.)  


8\. Sherlock's sock index is to be treated with respect. (Oh that's rich! You still owe me three jumpers.)  


9\. Sherlock is not to run off after serial killers without letting John know. ( **I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS DOWN SHERLOCK** )

10\. John will do the laundry, but Sherlock must separate his clothes into the proper piles if he wants the sanctity of his dry-clean-only garments to be respected.

11\. The top shelf of the refrigerator is for food only. (Clarification: “Food” means food we intend to consume ourselves, Sherlock.) (Clarification #2: “Food” meaning food I, John Watson, intend to consume willingly.)

12\. Whoever drinks the last of the milk must buy a fresh carton. (Leaving one teaspoon of milk in the carton does not count, you tit!)

13\. No smoking in the flat, and no more than two nicotine patches at a time. Doctor's orders.

14\. Sherlock is not to pester John to bring home biohazardous materials, medical supplies, confidential patient history, or anything else from the office. (What is the point of you working at that place then, John?)

15\. Sherlock is not to show up unannounced at John's office. (Addendum: Even with an appointment because you CLEARLY didn't need medical attention.) (Addendum: Sherlock is not to purposely injure himself so as to require medical attention!)

16\. John is not to date boring women. (Oi.) ( ~~The definition of "boring" to be determined by Sherlock.~~ ) (NO!)

17\. Sherlock is not to interrupt John's dates. ( ~~Modification: Unless they're with boring women.~~ ) (NO!) (Modification: Unless it's for a case.) (Modification #2: An IMPORTANT case, Sherlock!) (Clarification: An important **ACTIVE** case, not a interesting cold one! And urgently needed, not just you wanting me to hand you a pen from the other side of the room!)

18\. Sherlock is not to set his text alert notification sounds to anything publicly indecent. (You're the only one who hears them. What does it matter whether they're fit for the public or not?) (Just change it, Sherlock.) (I would have thought you'd enjoy the noise, judging from the videos you've got saved on your laptop.) (SEE #19.)

19\. SHERLOCK IS NOT TO HACK INTO JOHN'S LAPTOP.

20\. Sherlock is not to use John's laptop, even when it's unlocked and left lying about. (Modification: It maybe used with permission.) (Addendum: For case-related purposes only; no snooping.) (Addendum: It's still snooping even if it doesn't take much effort, you wanker!)

21\. John is not to offer up his life in exchange for Sherlock's. (Try and stop me.) (I had a **plan** , John, and your ill-timed and poorly thought through heroics could have very well ruined them!) (Yeah well see rule #22 then!)

22\. Sherlock is not to make and implement plans which carry significant risk to himself and/or John Watson without letting John in on them. (You wear your emotions on your face, John; you'll give the game away.) (Deal with it or deal with **ME**.)

23\. John Watson is never to buy herbal tea again no matter how passionately a deep discount calls out to his frugal soul. (Yeah, fine, this one’s on me.)  


24\. John Watson is not to go running off after criminals by himself. (He was getting away and you'd twisted your ankle!) (You give me this or you forfeit #22.) (Fine.)

25\. NO SHOOTING THE WALLS.

26\. Sherlock is not to invade John's privacy by digging into such items as John chooses not to share, regardless of whether or not it's a matter of public record. (What if I don't tell you that I've found out? Like the deduction modification?) (NO, you nosy parker.)

27\. If you ever drug me again you twat I'll leave. (More a threat than a rule, isn't it John?) (Get bent.)  


28\. Don't die. (I'm sorry.) **I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO RE-EMPHASIZE THIS! DON'T. DIE.**

29\. Don't you ever leave me out of something like that again, and I don’t care if it’s to mitigate risk to me; rule #22 is to be respected. - J

30\. Never grow a moustache again. - SH (I didn't shave it for you.)

31\. John Watson is not to move out of 221b ever again. (Modification: Unless we both move.)

32\. We both agree to work on expressing our thoughts and feelings a bit more clearly to each other, in the interest of less wasted time. (Agreed.)

33\. No public ~~snogging~~. ~~groping~~. ~~sex~~. (This isn’t a challenge list!) ~~penetrative sex~~. ~~flagrant nudity. (There, I'm sticking by this one.)~~ You win.

34\. You will marry me on the 29th of January. (I was the one who proposed. I'm hardly likely to need this posted up as a rule to abide by, am I?) (I'm not taking any chances.)

35\. You will love me until death. (See rule 34, darling.) (Having it posted up reassures me.)

36\. ~~Mycroft will be invited to our ceremony~~. ~~Mycroft will be invited to our ceremony~~. ~~Mycroft will be invited to our ceremony~~. (Stop crossing it out, Sherlock.) ~~Mycroft will be invited to our ceremony~~. (Make me.) ~~Mycroft will be invited to our ceremony~~. ~~Mycroft will be invited to our ceremony~~. ~~Mycroft has been invited to our ceremony and there’s nothing you can do about it now~~.  


37\. John must be very patient with me. (And what have I been doing all these years?) (A very good job.)

38\. Neither of us will ever bring up the topics of divorce or separation ever again, even in jest or during a heated argument. (I'm sorry.) (I am too.)

39\. Don’t ever leave me. (I promise.)  



End file.
